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Hallucinations and Illusions: The Horns on the Virgin of Guadalupe

My mom looked deep into my eyes. I thought she was admiring me because I thought I was a prophet. I was certain that I was the chosen one and now I was going to meet Pope Francis. We were sitting at mass together at Our Lady of the Miraculous Medal Church. I was the chosen one and my special connection with God would make it possible for my mother to meet Pope Francis. Wow! My mom would be so proud of me. My mom would be so honored that she was the mother of the chosen one. When it was time for communion, my mom softly touched my hand and looked at me with her big brown eyes. I thought, Wow, my mom is in awe that she is the mother of a prophet. My mom was pure and innocent like the Virgin Mary. When mass was over, I walked up to the portrait of the Virgin of Guadalupe. I always stared at the portrait, and many times, the Virgin of Guadalupe smiled at me, but there were other times when her tongue stuck out, and she turned into the devil. Today, however, our blessed mother was smiling ...
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When you Neglect Yourself

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“I knew I needed to slow down on life but I couldn’t. I tried to tough it out that I was physically sick. I’ve always been nurturing like my mom, listening to people, feeding people. People hear what I’m saying but don’t seem to listen. I was so busy taking care of everyone else, I was neglecting me. I would come home from work and by husband would hand me the ground turkey to make the meatloaf. I didn’t even get a chance to sit down and rest. I made meatloaf every other day. I cleaned and went to work talked to family and friends and didn’t focus that my body was trying to tell me something. Mari, you’re not well!” I got sick after eating undercooked meat at work one night. I’m a waitress. Something told me not to eat it because it was pink but I dug in and ate the whole thing. Minutes later I was running to the bathroom with diarrhea. I know TMI. Days later vomiting everyday. Every morning. My co-workers teased me that I was pregnant and there was a time I was convinced I was pregnan...
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Mental Illness-what happened to the beautiful prom Queen

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 In high school nobody new I was battling depression. They may have seen a pretty red headed girl full of school spirit. Yes maybe you can say I was popular but inside I was dying.When I was voted prom Queen I remember that night so vividly, everyone kept telling me I looked like Rose from the movie Titanic with my red hair and my dress I had especially made to replicate the dress Kate Winslet wore. I remember when they announced “and your 1998 prom Queen is -drumroll-Maricela Estrada. I felt like a star with all the cameras, flashes, and glitter and gold. At the end of the night I sat in the bottom of the staircase with my head hanging down, a girl walked up and asked me “how does it feel to be prom Queen?” I shrugged my shoulders and kept looking down at the ground. The girl walked away. Finally, on my prom night, Somebody saw the real me. Somebody saw my deep depression. I had tried to hide it through high school. There were moments when I had crying spells in class. I wish my t...
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Depression and Hygiene - Motivated to feel Beautiful

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When I’m caught in the cycle of depression, motivation is low. I am caught in the cycle of depression, don’t want to shower, comb my hair, exercise. I don’t want to clean my condo. Getting out of bed is a battle, everyday is a battle. When will this cycle end? People who don’t struggle with mental illness will never know what it is like. They will just make fun of me and judge me.  Depression, bipolar disorder, schizoaffective-mental ilness is misunderstood. The people who have never walked in our shoes will be the first to judge. That is until it effects one of their family members. When I’m depressed in one of my lows Even  taking a shower and maintaining hygiene can be a battle. Living an breathing is painful. Suicide always crosses my mind. My psychiatrist calls it passive suicidal ideation.I feel like I’m falling apart. I was come to a point where I can not do anything for myself.  I actually need shower reminders from my husband and friends. It is sad it’s like seri...
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My world is shattered after planning a baby

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 I honestly thought everything would be okay planning a baby at age 41 and diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I called the prayer line. I prayed with my husband I started a Prayer journal for the baby. I guess you can say I was hoping for a miracle and I believed all things were possible with God. My psychiatrist tried to slowly get me off the medication and previously I had lost 22 lbs on a healthy vegan diet, my labs were finally good. I started pregnancy yoga and I wasn’t even pregnant I wanted a stress free environment for the baby. I practiced Bible verse meditation for a healthy pregnancy and I felt happy and glowing but then one month later after my medications were reduced to almost nothing came the crash, psychosis, irritability, anger outbursts, mood swings, depression, suicidal ideation, and self-harm behavior. My husband and I were constantly fighting and I knew that was no way to raise a child and I had to face the reality, I had to get back on the medication and...
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Starbucks generosity after I recovered from COVID

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 My husband and I as Christians have always been compassionate to the homeless population. We always give to the homeless, buy them food and give them money and resources. There was one homeless lady my husband had compassionate for and touched his heart. He prayed with her and bought her Taco Bell and tried to find a shelter for her with no luck. He ended up building her a little tent and we gave her water and blankets and a pillow  that night. The following morning we worked harder on finding her a shelter with no luck. We took her to Starbucks for breakfast and after hours of trying to find a shelter I decided to buy her a tent and take her to downtown LA. I bought the tent at Target and the Christian retail clerk was very kind. I let her know I was buying a tent for a homeless woman and she thanked me for my kindness. She told me to take the homeless woman to the Mission shelter and told me God bless you. My husband and I drove her to the Misson shelter and I gave her some...
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Bipolar Disorder with Psychotic Features and Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar Type: Coping Skills for psychosis My diagnosis for ten years was Bipolar Disorder with Psychotic Features. Once I started working full time and got private insurance Kaiser evaluated by and chased my diagnosis to Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar Type. I remember telling my psychiatrist “Oh my God! That sounds worse! And I wrote a book titled Bipolar Girl: My Psychotic Self. I can’t change the name now. Should it be Schizoaffective Girl:My Psychotic Self? That does not flow as good.” She said treatment would remain the same. The difference between Bipolar Disorder with Psychotic Features and Schizoaffective, Type is that with Bipolar Disorder with Psychotic Features you only get psychosis when you are manic. With Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar Type the psychosis is the primary part of the mental illness and the mood disorder comes secondary. Some people believe schizoaffective disorder is a comb...
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