Our Lives are Borrowed from God




Our Lives are borrowed from God

                                                                                               

June 5, 2007

My mother has always told me that our lives are borrowed from God, so we have to live each day as if it is our last. My mom’s words of wisdom didn’t strike me until the day my cell phone rang and my caller ID said “Reynita.” Reynita is really my gay friend Isaac. I call him Reynita because it means queen in Spanish. He calls me Diva. “Hi Reynita!” I answered with joy. It’s always a joy to talk to him. The thing I didn’t know was that joy would only last two seconds. “Hi Mari.” He said. “Did you hear about Andrew?” “No what happened?” I said. “He was shot in Compton.” “What? Oh my God! What hospital is he at? I will be there immediately.” “No Diva.” Isaac said. “He didn’t make it.”                      

I felt as if my heart stopped beating and was about to pass out so I just hung up the phone, telling Isaac that I needed time. I went into a state of shock. Oh my God! No! No! No! My mother heard me crying and came to knock on the door.  Once I told her what had happened, she said “Aye Maricela. I’m so sorry. Calm down my daughter” I cried in her arms and she just said. “He is with God now.”  She said. “Our lives are borrowed from God. He is in heaven now.” I told my mom that I needed time alone and just cried myself to sleep.

I couldn’t believe he died and in such a horrible way. He was at the bus stop and the gangsters started chasing him and shot him to death.                                                    Word spread quickly that he passed away. All our friends from Hometown Buffet were so devastated. I contacted Andrew’s sister Cynthia and it was so heartbreaking to hear her sorrowful voice. She said she was having a car wash for him and I helped collect donations for his burial and I also made a huge foam poster board with his picture in which all of our mutual friends signed dedications as a memorial to him.                                                                                                 

The hardest part was the wake at Rosehills. I was crying hysterically the entire time. Friends tried to calm me down. Isaac held my hand. Cynthia spoke of memories of Andrew. All my friends tried to console me. Isaac tried to make me feel better by saying, “Aye Diva your hands are sweaty you need Mitchum deodorant on your hands.” Given that I’m always sweating like a pig in the summer, Isaac’s comment did make me smile for a few seconds.

            My friend Jessica tried to comfort me. She kept telling me that Andrew was in a better place and that he wouldn’t want me to hurt so much. She told me I had to be strong but I just couldn’t. I felt so weak.

            Andrew was so young. He was only 25 years old and he had a family. He had a girlfriend and two children, a five year old girl and a two year old son. I grew up without a father and it hurt me that Andrew’s children would grow up without a father too. It’s so dreadful growing up without a father and a child carries pain their entire life.                        Andrew was one of the greatest friends I ever had. I always called Andrew my little thug because he shaved his head in the summer, wore baggy clothes and enjoyed tagging. He always denied it. I loved him in a way in which each day I look forward to tomorrow because he was my life.

            The reason that Andrew and I broke up was because he got a girl named, Gina, pregnant. I was so jealous that he got he got her pregnant. I wanted to be the mother of his child.  I knew I had to let go. It was hard but he had to go back to his family. My break up with Andrew was so detrimental. I found myself crying a lot. I wanted to leave Los Angeles to forget about him. I decided to stay because he was such a good friend to me.                                                                                                                                  Suddenly the memories of him began to fill my heart. I remembered all those late nights in which he worked at Hometown Buffet on Thursdays, family night. I would drive Hometown crying knowing that he would be there to comfort me during my depressive episodes. He would give me tight hugs and I would just cry in his arms. I would help him close the back dining area. I would fill his salt and pepper shakers and help fill his sugar caddies and once we were done and his shift was over, we would go in my car and he would just hold me in his arms until I was calm. He would pray with me. He had the spiritual gift of speaking in tongues and he said that was the presence of the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit came upon him on one night and he started speaking in tongues I felt in complete peace.

            I was always marveled by spiritual gifts. Andrew showed me God’s greater glory. After that one night when he prayed in tongues, I would ask him “Please Andrew please, pray in tongues.” “No” he would say. “No tongue for you.” He would smile at me and hug and kiss me.

            If only I would’ve carried my mother’s words of wisdom with me before he died, I would’ve told him how much I loved him because I never did. I was worried that if I told him I loved him, he wouldn’t say it back. Still, we both showed our love for each other.

The last time I saw Andrew was the day of my college graduation in May 2006. He promised me that he would go to my graduation party. He always told me how smart I was and now that I had earned my Bachelors degree he told me that he was so proud of me. I had a huge graduation party. I hired a bartender and my apartment was full of friends, drinking, and joyous celebration.

            Andrew showed up at my door step at about 2:00 am. The party was already over. I was drunk and had a date. Andrew hugged me and said congratulations and then I just ignored him. I gave this other stupid guy more attention than to my Andrew. After Andrew’s death his sister Cynthia told me that she had a miscarriage the night of my graduation party and that is why he was late. She said he told her that he promised me he would come to my party and that is why he took the bus to come celebrate with me even though he had just gone through a huge tragedy with his sister.                                                I never knew it would be that last time I’d see him. The guilt I carry will never go away and I regret so much. I regret that I never told him that I loved him. Jessica told me that Andrew already knew I loved him but still I will always feel that remorse of never telling him what he meant to me.

             Andrew didn’t care if I had imperfections. He always told me that I was beautiful, smart, and ambitious. He didn’t care about my bi-curious tendencies or craziness. He didn’t care that my weight would drastically go up and down. Some guys are all about looks but my Andrew loved me the way I was. He just wanted me to be true to myself. The only thing that gets me through these grieving times are knowing that one day I will stand before him in heaven and his memory will live on in my heart forever.

 

 

 

 

 

The Angels in heaven awaited you at the Gate                                                                            

 

For Andrew

 

 

The angels in heaven awaited you at the gate

I never knew it would be too late

The last time I saw you

Oh how I remember your face

You came to congratulate me

On my graduation day

I wish I could just have one more chance

I never knew it would be my last glance

You hugged me and said

“Mari I knew you could do it.”

Your thoughts were always pure

Sweet and loving always true

You always wished me the best

And prayed that God would bless

On my manic depressive lows

You would uplift me when I had no hope

You showed me what God is all about

Even when I had my doubts

I always came to you in tears

When I had my fears

I would fear how today would end

And if tomorrow would be any better

But you always told me that God was on my side

And God was the one and only light

Oh gosh Andrew, you were so wise

You would make me smile in my times of woe

But now that you’re gone

Who will I hold?

I’ll just live by your memory

And how amazing you truly were

I’ll see you in heaven

When it’s my time

And on that day                                                                                                                      I will hold you tight


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