Jump off that Bridge the Voices Say



It was everything. Everything came crashing down. I have to deal with this high risk for cervical cancer complexities for the last 14 years now fearing it will turn into cancer. I have a painful surgical procedure without anesthesia due to the fact that if the doctor used it I would have to get off my psych meds for three weeks. They did not want to risk it so I took the pain screaming and crying, praying to God for mercy. This was Jan. 2018. After that I had post-operational complications heavy bleeding and I couldn't even walk my emotional support dog. It was a nightmare. This triggered deep dark suicidal depression. My psychiatrist put me on medical leave for the first time in my 8 year career as a Medical Case Worker for the Dept. of Mental Health.
We are in July 2018and I'm still a psychotic mess. When I returned back to work I felt heavily medicated. I couldn't get to work on time and I start at 9:30a.m. I felt heavily sedated the first two hours. I decided to get off my morning meds for 3 weeks and let me tell you, it made a huge difference. I started talking to my dog when my dog wasn't even with me. He was in doggy day camp. I started responding to internal stimuli. I still can't look at people in the eyes without hearing voices so I look away or on the floor. It really scary. The other day I had a bad day and suddenly I started hearing voices telling me to jump off a bridge on to on coming traffic. I was   driving to work and decided to change lanes and go to the freeway to the mental health clinic. The therapist did a suicide assessment and said I am at moderate risk of suicide. She did a safety plan.
She told me to avoid the road with the bridges but I didn't listen. I eagerly drove on the freeway fast to get off the freeway to get the bridges. There are 3 bridges. I pass by. My emotional support dog was with me. He knew something was wrong. I was driving and head the voice get off the car and climb on that bridge, I thought about my dog and he licked my hand. I remembered
 that earlier at the mental health clinic he barked at the receptionist. My dog never barks. He is a calm emotional support dog. I realized he was trying to warn her to help me. I thought about my dog. No one will take care of my spoiled dog as good as I do. I will never leave him.
Every minute, every hour, everyday, is a battle with my mood, depression, psychosis.
I don't want to kill myself. My mental illness wants to murder me.
Maricela "Mari" is a happy bubbly person full of life. She is happily married, has a great career and loves her dog. She loves her family and friends and she loves to laugh and be silly.
Bipolar Girl is another person. Bipolar Girl is the mental illness within her that causes her to feel
those awful things. Mari believes that God is gives her peace and grace. She will be still and know God is with her.
After I heard those horrible voices telling me to jump off a bridge I came home with my emotional support dog Gypsy Blue by my side, closed my eyes and did a guided Christian meditation.
When I opened my eyes I was at peace and I didn't hear those awful voices anymore.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Hallucinations and Illusions: The Horns on the Virgin of Guadalupe

My mom looked deep into my eyes. I thought she was admiring me because I thought I was a prophet. I was certain that I was the chosen one and now I was going to meet Pope Francis. We were sitting at mass together at Our Lady of the Miraculous Medal Church. I was the chosen one and my special connection with God would make it possible for my mother to meet Pope Francis. Wow! My mom would be so proud of me. My mom would be so honored that she was the mother of the chosen one. When it was time for communion, my mom softly touched my hand and looked at me with her big brown eyes. I thought, Wow, my mom is in awe that she is the mother of a prophet. My mom was pure and innocent like the Virgin Mary. When mass was over, I walked up to the portrait of the Virgin of Guadalupe. I always stared at the portrait, and many times, the Virgin of Guadalupe smiled at me, but there were other times when her tongue stuck out, and she turned into the devil. Today, however, our blessed mother was smiling ...
Read more

The Shaman

  Losing my mind was a slow process until one day it took over rapidly. My family became worried. I slipped into a psychotic episode. I would hallucinate and see shadows and demons. I began to combat the evil with prayer and the Bible. I became hyper-religious. I told my family that the devil was after me and that I was a prophet. I told them that the devil was in the house. My family is from a small ranch in Mexico. Through their traditions and culture they believed that maybe my mental illness was something spiritual or supernatural. My mother, years later told me that she did not know what to do or what was happening. All she knew was that she was desperate to help me. One day my mother and sister-in-law, Sophie, told me that we had to take a special trip. I didn’t know where we were going and I was too delusional to understand. They took me to a house with a small back house. I went into a room and saw a heavy man sitting down. He asked me to come in and have a seat. I sa...
Read more

When you Neglect Yourself

Image
“I knew I needed to slow down on life but I couldn’t. I tried to tough it out that I was physically sick. I’ve always been nurturing like my mom, listening to people, feeding people. People hear what I’m saying but don’t seem to listen. I was so busy taking care of everyone else, I was neglecting me. I would come home from work and by husband would hand me the ground turkey to make the meatloaf. I didn’t even get a chance to sit down and rest. I made meatloaf every other day. I cleaned and went to work talked to family and friends and didn’t focus that my body was trying to tell me something. Mari, you’re not well!” I got sick after eating undercooked meat at work one night. I’m a waitress. Something told me not to eat it because it was pink but I dug in and ate the whole thing. Minutes later I was running to the bathroom with diarrhea. I know TMI. Days later vomiting everyday. Every morning. My co-workers teased me that I was pregnant and there was a time I was convinced I was pregnan...
Read more