Happily Ever After Comes From Me


Happily Ever After Comes From Me

 

March 12, 2014

I watched Bridget Jones Diary every weekend eight years. Joel would say, “Why are you always watching that movie about that crazy white girl?” “She’s not a white girl!” She is British and that’s the story of my life. My Greatest fear was that I would “die fat and a lone half eaten by wild dogs.” I guess single women love that movie because it gives us hope that there are some good men out there. So here is the situation, I’m going to be 34 years old on April 20, 2014 and I’m still single. I thought I met my prince charming. I always think I met my prince charming. I’m in love with being in love.

            However, I have learned that I don’t need a prince to come carry me in a world of happily ever after. I always said to myself, who will love me? Will anyone ever love me enough to stay? They all break my heart but you know what? I love myself. I love myself so much that I tell myself, no! I will not die fat and alone half eaten by wild dogs! I will live each day to my fullest and embrace the beauty of today. I’m getting more fit each day. I went from a size 18 to a size 8. Yes I do have comfort food sometimes but I weigh myself every day. If I see the scale go up three pounds, I start watching what I eat again and exercise even more. Even if I’m single forever, I refuse to be fat. A friend once told me, “Mari, do you want to be fat forever?” The answer is HELL NO! I still have some pounds to shed but I’m happy at my results. No liposuction, no fad diets, just eating healthy, being healthy, and loving myself enough to know that I love myself so much, I will not be overweight.                                                                      Happiness. What is happiness? Does money make you happy? Does a boyfriend or girlfriend make you happy? Husband or Wife? Child? The answer is, we make ourselves happy. We make ourselves happy by loving ourselves enough to let go of people who hurt us. The people who live by grace, the people that love us, our family and friends can bring love in our lives but ultimately, we have to love ourselves. We have to love ourselves unconditionally, the way God loves us. We have to be kind to ourselves. We have to have HOPE that things get better. Life gets better. Life is good! Life is beautiful! Life is worth living each day with such an immense sense of love.                                                                                                                            I dreamed and dreamed all my lifetime about happily ever after, like a Disney fairytale. I wanted a man to look into my eyes as if I was snow white, “the fairest of them all.” But I never felt beautiful. I never felt pretty enough, thin enough, sane enough. I always had such low self-esteem. People always ask me if I’m married or if I have kids. I dread the question. When I say no, they tell me that it’s hard to believe because I’m so beautiful. I never felt beautiful. I’m learning day by that I am beautiful, oh so beautiful. I’m beautiful by my heart. My heart holds the key of God’s greater glory. My heart touches lives. My heart instills hope and love. My heart makes me laugh. Laugh at the top of my lungs. I have laughing attacks and gosh, I love to smile. Mari does love to smile and everyone tells Mari she has a beautiful smile.                                                  As the chapters in my life turned, page after page, relationship after relationship, heartbreak over heartbreak, I’ve learned that none of those people were worthy of my love. All those men who broke my heart are not worth my tears. Even as I cry I let go. I cry and say Mari, I love you. I love you just as you are. All those people were too blinded to know they may have lost the greatest thing that ever happened to them.                                                                                       I can’t beg people to let me love them. He told me that we will talk here and there but no promises or expectations. I don’t want any promises. He said “see you around.” I replied in a text, “Maybe, if the universe allows it.” I prayed and cried for this man so much last night and as I type in my memoir the tears begin to soften but you know what? Enough! I love myself! I love myself enough to not go around begging people to let me in their hearts.                                                      And so I’m wearing a beautiful black dress today and it was Ana (Misericordia’s birthday today)We celebrated her 74th birthday today at work. It was beautiful. We had so much fun and then here came Mari. The lady with all the picture. So I say, “Let’s take pictures before we eat and get bloated. I tell my work colleagues, “When I die you are all going to remember me as the lady that always wanted to take pictures.” I drive Dr. Zamora crazy with all my pictures. He laughed and said, “When you die I’m going to take a picture of you like this.” He crossed his arms on his chest and closed his eyes as if I would be in a coffin and he would take a picture of me. Lol.                  Today is my nephew David’s 18th birthday. Little man is all grown up and so as I got to my mom’s house, here comes Mari with her Iphone taking pictures and uploading them on facebook. I also took a picture of me and Nina. She is home on Spring break from college.                       Today I’m surrounded by people who do love me. Today I am happy and feel so beautiful. Today I walked down the hall to the bathroom at work. I prayed in the bathroom stall twice. My eyes began to get tearful due to my broken heart. When I got out of the bathroom stall, I looked in the mirror and said, “Mari you can get through this. My eyes became tearful. I looked at my reflection in the mirror now and said, “I love you Mari. You are so beautiful. You have beautiful brown eyes. Wow your eyelashes are so long. Your lips are so pretty and your classic red lipstick brightens up your face. Mari I love it when you curl your hair and dress so pretty. I love it when you wear wedges because you don’t know how to walk in heels. You have always been so fashionable. Mari you have great boobs. Yeah and to think you used to stuff your bra, haha. People pay thousands of dollars for breast implants but God blessed you with two Ds by high school. Mari you are beautiful, absolutely beautiful! Mari, leave that man in your past because you love yourself enough to make your own happy ending.                          Happily ever after comes from within. It comes from me! I create my happy ending by loving myself the way God loves me, unconditionally. God is the only one who will not break my heart. Instead I broke God’s heart with my sins. I crucified Jesus, my actions, my fornication, , my lies, my jealousy, my gluttony. And so, all  those who hurt me, I forgive. As Jesus forgave me of my sins.

            Maybe a man will love me one day. Maybe I will get married one day but if I don’t, it’s not the end of the world because I love myself. I love myself enough to let go of the heartbreak and pain. I love myself to not let another man kill my soul. I refuse to allow it. I worked too hard to get to this point of happiness. This time my heart is at guard. If anyone ever wants to take my heart away, they will have to work for it. They will have to earn having their athletes feet rubbed and calluses scrubbed. They will have to earn being cooked for. They will have to earn being kissed. They will have to earn making love. They will have to earn being loved. That person better sending me roses at work and tell me how much he loves me every day. If I heard this man tell me he loves me, it would be like my daddy telling me he loves me. As I searched decades for a man that would love me and give me the love I was missing from my father. I’m not giving my heart away that easily anymore. I have always been a hopeless romantic.

            I think about it and feel sad but not depressed. I’m broken hearted but not broken as a person. My spirit is shining so brightly. I’m stronger than ever. I’m unbreakable. I’m great! I’m amazing! Today is my day to shine!

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