Jump off that Bridge the Voices Say



It was everything. Everything came crashing down. I have to deal with this high risk for cervical cancer complexities for the last 14 years now fearing it will turn into cancer. I have a painful surgical procedure without anesthesia due to the fact that if the doctor used it I would have to get off my psych meds for three weeks. They did not want to risk it so I took the pain screaming and crying, praying to God for mercy. This was Jan. 2018. After that I had post-operational complications heavy bleeding and I couldn't even walk my emotional support dog. It was a nightmare. This triggered deep dark suicidal depression. My psychiatrist put me on medical leave for the first time in my 8 year career as a Medical Case Worker for the Dept. of Mental Health.
We are in July 2018and I'm still a psychotic mess. When I returned back to work I felt heavily medicated. I couldn't get to work on time and I start at 9:30a.m. I felt heavily sedated the first two hours. I decided to get off my morning meds for 3 weeks and let me tell you, it made a huge difference. I started talking to my dog when my dog wasn't even with me. He was in doggy day camp. I started responding to internal stimuli. I still can't look at people in the eyes without hearing voices so I look away or on the floor. It really scary. The other day I had a bad day and suddenly I started hearing voices telling me to jump off a bridge on to on coming traffic. I was   driving to work and decided to change lanes and go to the freeway to the mental health clinic. The therapist did a suicide assessment and said I am at moderate risk of suicide. She did a safety plan.
She told me to avoid the road with the bridges but I didn't listen. I eagerly drove on the freeway fast to get off the freeway to get the bridges. There are 3 bridges. I pass by. My emotional support dog was with me. He knew something was wrong. I was driving and head the voice get off the car and climb on that bridge, I thought about my dog and he licked my hand. I remembered
 that earlier at the mental health clinic he barked at the receptionist. My dog never barks. He is a calm emotional support dog. I realized he was trying to warn her to help me. I thought about my dog. No one will take care of my spoiled dog as good as I do. I will never leave him.
Every minute, every hour, everyday, is a battle with my mood, depression, psychosis.
I don't want to kill myself. My mental illness wants to murder me.
Maricela "Mari" is a happy bubbly person full of life. She is happily married, has a great career and loves her dog. She loves her family and friends and she loves to laugh and be silly.
Bipolar Girl is another person. Bipolar Girl is the mental illness within her that causes her to feel
those awful things. Mari believes that God is gives her peace and grace. She will be still and know God is with her.
After I heard those horrible voices telling me to jump off a bridge I came home with my emotional support dog Gypsy Blue by my side, closed my eyes and did a guided Christian meditation.
When I opened my eyes I was at peace and I didn't hear those awful voices anymore.

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