The Voices Continue



The voices and intrusive thoughts torment me. God, please make it end. I can't focus on a simple conversation without hearing voices and responding to internal stimuli. It's not that I talk to myself but I feel I makes faces and look distracted. I look away. I look up, down, to right, to the left. I can't look at the person. Looking at them will destroy me.
I have really bad vision without contacts. It is all a big blur. Every day for the last three weeks I have been wearing my glasses. I take them off when I talk to people so I can't see them. Then the voices are not so bad. Other times, I get a rush of paranoid ideation. My mind and thoughts are racing. I can't focus at work and I want to run.
For those of you who don't know, I'm a Medical Case Worker for the LA County Dept. of Mental Health. I may appear to look normal but inside my mind in screaming and crying, going madly
insane. Many times I want to give up. I want to go an early retirement disability. I want to escape with my husband to another state where cost of living isn't so high. I want to cash out my retirement and buy a house for $165,000 in Michigan or another state where cost of living isn't so high. In California rent for my one bedroom apartment is $1,600. In another state my mortgage will be less than that. My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, please just give my mind peace. Take the loudness of my mind and let me hear a pin drop. Make this nightmare be over with your breathe oh Almighty God. You have the
power to make it better. All the anti-psychotics in the world won't make it better. I'm already on three anti-psychotics. All I can say at this point of my life is, God have mercy. Don't give me more than I can handle Humble my sad spirit. Make it better. I will always remember these words my friend Val gal once told me "Mari, Don't give up. Hope is never lost, only found."

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