40, Bipolar and Planning a Baby



When my husband told me he wanted have a baby a little “goo goo,” I finally felt like maybe at this time it may be a beautiful and humbling experience. My mom is sick. My mom is my world and if something happens to her I will lose my mind. My family is very united and we have these big reunions and celebrations, birthdays and holidays at the Estrada’s is truly beautiful. Where will I go for thanksgiving or Christmas. My mom holds our family together. Planning this baby is what is giving me hope while my mom is sick. I just turned 40 on April 20, 2020.  I’m diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. I take a lot of medication but my psychiatrist has always instilled hope and told me that she believes I can do it and she would take me off work one year. She told me she would want me to focus on pregnancy yoga and being stress free. I’m courageous in many ways but I’m terrified of pregnancy. I’ve never had the courage until now. I have the best psychiatrist. She is the Chief psychiatrist at kaiser and I know she will monitor me closely. My husband and I will take parenting classes, read books, be healthy and prepare ourselves for this beautiful child. We need to be healthy and stable for this baby. I have to trust God. I can’t listen to negative people who tell me I cannot be a mother because I have a mental illness. I need to believe I can do this. It will be another chapter in my life. Maybe another book. Holistic health, mind body and soul. I will practice my coping skills (mindfulness, walking my dog, deep breathing and meditation, healthy diet, self care, and having a strong support system. I have an amazing family and husband. My dog Gypsy Blue has been our child and we have raised the dog to believe he is human. We even read to him. The dog makes me arts and crafts at doggy day camp for Mother’s Day. I really treat him like my son. Now it’s time for my dog to have a little human brother or sister. I fear how little Gypsy will take it. I know my dog will be jealous of the baby but I plan to include my dog in the babies life as much as possible as our baby grows. I pray to God that my baby is healthy more than anything and that I survive this pregnancy stronger than ever.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

When you Neglect Yourself

Image
“I knew I needed to slow down on life but I couldn’t. I tried to tough it out that I was physically sick. I’ve always been nurturing like my mom, listening to people, feeding people. People hear what I’m saying but don’t seem to listen. I was so busy taking care of everyone else, I was neglecting me. I would come home from work and by husband would hand me the ground turkey to make the meatloaf. I didn’t even get a chance to sit down and rest. I made meatloaf every other day. I cleaned and went to work talked to family and friends and didn’t focus that my body was trying to tell me something. Mari, you’re not well!” I got sick after eating undercooked meat at work one night. I’m a waitress. Something told me not to eat it because it was pink but I dug in and ate the whole thing. Minutes later I was running to the bathroom with diarrhea. I know TMI. Days later vomiting everyday. Every morning. My co-workers teased me that I was pregnant and there was a time I was convinced I was pregnan
Read more

Mental Illness-what happened to the beautiful prom Queen

Image
 In high school nobody new I was battling depression. They may have seen a pretty red headed girl full of school spirit. Yes maybe you can say I was popular but inside I was dying.When I was voted prom Queen I remember that night so vividly, everyone kept telling me I looked like Rose from the movie Titanic with my red hair and my dress I had especially made to replicate the dress Kate Winslet wore. I remember when they announced “and your 1998 prom Queen is -drumroll-Maricela Estrada. I felt like a star with all the cameras, flashes, and glitter and gold. At the end of the night I sat in the bottom of the staircase with my head hanging down, a girl walked up and asked me “how does it feel to be prom Queen?” I shrugged my shoulders and kept looking down at the ground. The girl walked away. Finally, on my prom night, Somebody saw the real me. Somebody saw my deep depression. I had tried to hide it through high school. There were moments when I had crying spells in class. I wish my teach
Read more

Hallucinations and Illusions: The Horns on the Virgin of Guadalupe

My mom looked deep into my eyes. I thought she was admiring me because I thought I was a prophet. I was certain that I was the chosen one and now I was going to meet Pope Francis. We were sitting at mass together at Our Lady of the Miraculous Medal Church. I was the chosen one and my special connection with God would make it possible for my mother to meet Pope Francis. Wow! My mom would be so proud of me. My mom would be so honored that she was the mother of the chosen one. When it was time for communion, my mom softly touched my hand and looked at me with her big brown eyes. I thought, Wow, my mom is in awe that she is the mother of a prophet. My mom was pure and innocent like the Virgin Mary. When mass was over, I walked up to the portrait of the Virgin of Guadalupe. I always stared at the portrait, and many times, the Virgin of Guadalupe smiled at me, but there were other times when her tongue stuck out, and she turned into the devil. Today, however, our blessed mother was smiling
Read more