My world is shattered after planning a baby


 I honestly thought everything would be okay planning a baby at age 41 and diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I called the prayer line. I prayed with my husband I started a Prayer journal for the baby. I guess you can say I was hoping for a miracle and I believed all things were possible with God. My psychiatrist tried to slowly get me off the medication and previously I had lost 22 lbs on a healthy vegan diet, my labs were finally good. I started pregnancy yoga and I wasn’t even pregnant I wanted a stress free environment for the baby. I practiced Bible verse meditation for a healthy pregnancy and I felt happy and glowing but then one month later after my medications were reduced to almost nothing came the crash, psychosis, irritability, anger outbursts, mood swings, depression, suicidal ideation, and self-harm behavior. My husband and I were constantly fighting and I knew that was no way to raise a child and I had to face the reality, I had to get back on the medication and not have a baby afterall. My OBGYN warned me about the risks of taking medications while pregnant and my age and had already advised me to stay of birth control. I honestly felt God was on my side and God was my Chief Physician but now here I am having to face the reality. I’m so heartbroken and feel like my faith has failed me.I’m not mad at God but my faith is definitely shaken and I don’t pray as much. My mood is sad, my motivation is low, and I have the desire to drink. I know ultimately I will get through this. I have my dog Gypsy Blue that loves his mom and dad so much. He is my baby and son on a brighter note it will be his adoption birthday August 26th 2021 National Dog Day) and he will be10 years old. I have decided to have him a birthday party, afterall he is the only son I have ever known and he is a loyal pup.

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