Pandemic through the eyes of Paranoia




 

I live in a condo gated community and in my complex there are lakes and ducks, waterfalls, exotic looking birds. It is so peaceful but what happens when you hear a woman crying in the lake by your balcony and you go outside and there is nobody there. I know they are voices, auditory hallucinations triggered by stress. It makes it worse that I live next door to Rose Hills the cemetery. It gets creepy. I walk my dog and see illusions, I say to myself oh let me greet that little old lady and then suddenly she turns in a tall plant. I am really starting to fear that plant outside my door and wonder why the plant always turns in to a hunched old lady. I look to my kitchen at my barstools and see people eating on them but there is nobody really there. This pandemic has got me paranoid and stressed. My job is also stressful and making it worse. I can’t take this stress that is about to explode like a volcano. I just want to scream.

There is a pandemic in the world but what happens when this new normal leads to you feeling abnormal and you already have schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type? My poor little paranoid eyes are full of fear. Ever since my family got sick the paranoia got worse. When you Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar Type just think that I have a mental illness that is like a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. The psychosis is primary so I have endorse symptoms of paranoia, delusions, hallucinations, auditory hallucinations, and illusions. The bipolar disorder and mood symptoms come secondary and I also experience symptoms of depression, suicidal ideation, mania, mood swings,  irritability, impulsivity, racing thoughts, and anxiety and sometimes insomnia.

I feel like I am constantly psychotic. This pandemic is called coronavirus also known as COVID-19 and according to the Centers for Disease Control, CDC “An outbreak is called an epidemic when there is a sudden increase in cases. As COVID-19 began spreading in Wuhan, China, it became an epidemic. Because the disease then spread across several countries and affected a large number of people, it was classified as a pandemic.”                                                  

There is a pandemic in the world but there is also a pandemic in my mind and it haunts me. The world has not been the same.

Although, I felt like my world was spinning out of control.   My emotional support dog Gypsy Blue knows the world has not been the same. He sees me anxious and losing my mind. I pace back and forth and my hair is falling out. When I pace I pass my anxiety onto Gypsy and he paces too and looks at me with worry like he wants to help me but does not know how. I know I can’t do this to my dog. I decide to sit down and just take a moment a breathe. Be present in the moment. Not the pandemic moment but the moment in which I focus on how much I love my dog. I sit down and mindfully pet him. Feel his nice soft white fur. Focus on my breathing and play meditation music on YouTube and as a pray and remind my self that this shall pass and God Grace is sufficient and Gypsy’s Blue’s love is comforting and he is truly my best friend and we can get through this together.                                                                                                   

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