Mental Illness-what happened to the beautiful prom Queen


 In high school nobody new I was battling depression. They may have seen a pretty red headed girl full of school spirit. Yes maybe you can say I was popular but inside I was dying.When I was voted prom Queen I remember that night so vividly, everyone kept telling me I looked like Rose from the movie Titanic with my red hair and my dress I had especially made to replicate the dress Kate Winslet wore. I remember when they announced “and your 1998 prom Queen is -drumroll-Maricela Estrada. I felt like a star with all the cameras, flashes, and glitter and gold. At the end of the night I sat in the bottom of the staircase with my head hanging down, a girl walked up and asked me “how does it feel to be prom Queen?” I shrugged my shoulders and kept looking down at the ground. The girl walked away.

Finally, on my prom night,

Somebody saw the real me. Somebody saw my deep depression. I had tried to hide it through high school. There were moments when I had crying spells in class. I wish my teachers would have reported it to the high school counselor and I would’ve gotten help when I was young. I wish the hospital would’ve hospitalized me at age 14 when I attempted suicide. 20 years later. I didn’t go to my high school reunion. It’s like, what happened to the beautiful prom queen? She was diagnosed wit Mental illness. 

I could only imagine what  celebrities go through battling mental illness who are in the public eye like Britney Spears, Mariah Carey, and Selena Gomez. They are constantly being judged for every mental health relapse,  even bullied, pictures of them on magazines on headlines. They are being judged for every move, every Taco Bell late night run, and every pound gained. I’m wondering if they have ever struggled with self-esteem the way I have.

If I felt depressed being prom Queen at a high school. I imagine what Britney Spears true emotions were at an award show when she won! Was she battling depression on the inside an an award could not take that away. I felt like my prom Queen crown would never take my depression away no matter how many people were cheering for me.

I thank my best friend Melissa that stayed by my side since I was 13 years old. I have lost most of my friends due to my mental illness I can count my best friends in one hand Melissa,  Joel, Valerie Marie, and  Guillermo.

Now at age 41, I reflect at my life battling mental illness-it has been an everyday challenge.

I am humbled in passion as an author-my dreams. I am humbled by Gods eternal blessing, family, friends and my emotional support dog Gypsy Blue. People have been telling me I am beautiful since I was in high school, I have never felt that way. I have been my worst critic, so hard on myself-low self esteem. Now I look back at pictures when I am young and now and I feel so old like a hag but you know what?

I am working on my self esteem! I know depression is an ugly feeling and it actually makes me feel ugly on the outside when I know I am not-I am inspired to start a new media campaign #motivatedtofeelbeautiful. It is for everyone men too, because men are beautiful too lol. I know I have seen some beautiful men out there! So join me! If you have ever struggled with depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, low self-esteem, suicidal ideation. If you have ever struggled with depression that was so severe you cannot even maintain your activities of daily living like showering and grooming! I do not feel beautiful when I am I showered and smelly, depressed. I feel ugly! So guess what? I am going to motivate myself. Be motivated! Fight depression! Fight mental illness! Know you can do this! Be motivated to feel beautiful because you are beautiful!!!!

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