Lost but Found


Lost but Found

 

I thought, “If my daddy was alive, he would never let men hurt me, use me, or abuse me. He would be my protector, but you know he never even held me in his arms as a newborn baby. God took him to heaven before he even set eyes on me. Is it possible that maybe from heaven he could see that he left a little girl behind? Is it possible that he may know how much I’m hurting?”

It’s like I was a child lost in a crowd of people. I didn’t know where to go. I didn’t know who to trust. I just stood there innocently and hoped that someone would hold my hand. I wanted to fall into my daddy’s arms. I wanted him to tell me that I was his little girl and he’d keep me safe. “Daddy, protect me. Don’t let go of my hand.” But he was never there to hold my hand and I was lost, lost in a world that would be so cruel to me.

I used to cry so much and question the Lord, “Why, God? Why did you take my daddy? It’s not fair. I didn’t even meet him. I’m lost because I didn’t have him. I search for a man who can embrace me with the love that was missing from my father, a man who can protect me and keep me safe. But they always hurt me; they always leave.”

One night, I found myself in tears of manic depression and I did what I always did. I complained to God about not having a daddy. I cried out. “Why? Why? Why? How could you take him! What kind of God are you?” That night, God sent me a sweet message in a dream.

I dreamt that I died. My soul ascended to heaven. I was guided by a huge angel up a tall staircase leading beyond the clouds. I was in a line with other people of all ages and races. They were the people who had died that day. When I got to heaven, I saw other lines. They were judgment lines but I didn’t get in line. I searched for his face among all the lingering souls and then from a distance, I saw him and he saw me. We walked toward each other. He bent down on one knee and I fell in his arms. We just looked at each other. He didn’t say anything but I knew that he didn’t need any words to express how much he loved me. I could tell with his gaze. I didn’t say anything either but in my heart I was saying, “Daddy, I love you,” and I knew he could hear.

I was going through a phase where everything was falling down, down, down, and I couldn’t hang onto anything. I screamed out to God and felt like He could hear and didn’t want to answer. I had stopped having faith. I thought, why should I have faith when all God does is curse my existence; but it wasn’t true. It was so far from true. God heard my every prayer and in all His glory, he let me see my father. I found peace in my heart and mind and so I wrote God a poem.

 

Lost Little Girl

(My poem to God)

 

            Lost little girl,

            Don’t

                        You cry,

            Through every trial

            You’ll

            Forever shine.

            Lost little girl

            Wipe your tears away

            You’re a woman now,

            And tomorrow

            Is another day.

            Come on,

            Get up

            Every time you fall,

            Dust yourself off,

            Keep going on

            Lost little girl

            You feel so ashamed

            You can’t even look up

            To God’s loving embrace.

            I’m so sorry, Lord,

            Forgive me

            These things that I do,

            They’ve made me become so cruel and untrue.

            I remember the innocence that once lived,

            I remember the purity that made me whole:

            My child-like wonders

            And bright hopes;

            I danced in my sunshine,

            I sang my sweet tune,

            My joy and delight I found in you.

            I miss those days, God,

            I’m lost without you.

            Please hold my hand,

            Carry me through.

            I’ll always be your little warrior;

            You made me strong enough to fight.

            I have my armor of salvation:

            My angels behind me.

            Holy path here I come,

            Guide me once more

            Lost little girl.

            Your heart is still true,

            You’ll always be

            God’s little girl.


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