The World is Ending

The World is Ending!

 

When I was released from Penn Mar, it took months for me to get stable and once I did, I went back to school and work. I also got a second job at a female clothing store, Bliss Girl Fashions. I wanted to help my mother with the mortgage, but we still struggled financially and we lost our house. My mother couldn’t pay the mortgage by herself because my brother Jacob and my two sisters got married and moved out. It was just me, Junior, and my mom, but Junior and I weren’t financially stable enough to help her. We moved into a rundown ghetto one-bedroom apartment. It had an ugly, green rug, thin walls, and no air conditioner. I kept working hard in the hopes of getting out of that apartment, but I also got off my medication and that only held me back from moving forward.

I went to work one evening at Hometown Buffet. It was Thursday—family night. On Thursdays, I’d dress up like our mascot, HT Bee, and pass out balloons to all the children. I’d dance and play with them. I’d put on my big bumble bee costume and fill up balloons with helium. I’d get a batch of balloons and put on my big bumble bee head and go outside to pass out balloons to all the children. There were so many people. Everything was so loud. Everything was spinning. There were children all around me pulling on my wings and jumping up and down. People were walking around the bars getting food. The dining room attendants were walking around pre-bussing their tables with stacks of plates. I felt like I was going to collapse. I started crying.

I thought, “What’s happening to me?” Everything was a blur. I was so dizzy. I was about to fall in my big bumble bee head but managed to walk over to the manager’s office. I knocked on the door. My assistant manager, Christopher, opened the door. I walked in. He sat in his swivel chair. I sat down and took off my big bumble bee head. I told him that I couldn’t take it anymore and I felt sick. He looked at me with concern and let me go home.

I went home crying. When I got home, my mom was in the kitchen writing out her Avon orders. She looked up at me and saw my teary eyes and asked me what was wrong. I told her that I didn’t know and that I was scared and confused. She looked so worried but I know that she felt helpless. This was what happened to me when I’d get off my meds. I’d just end up emotionally confused and depressed.

 

August 28, 1999

 

I’d just gotten off work after a long day at Bliss Girl Fashions. On that day, my manager, Tara, sat me down and asked me if everything was OK with me. She said my sales were really low and I didn’t look well. I knew it had gotten kind of tough, but still didn’t want to accept that I was bipolar. Jacob and my mom picked me up from work that evening. I was really tired. They were going grocery shopping at Superior Warehouse. They asked me if I wanted to go in, but I said I was too tired and wanted to rest in the car.

Suddenly, as I lay in the seat in my brother’s black Toyota Camry, I found myself in a sea of confusion. It was all so loud again and my world was spinning faster than it ever had before. I’d stepped into another delusional episode. But this time, it was much more embarrassing. This time I thought the world was ending. As I journeyed deep into the landscapes of my mind, I heard soft angelic music. It was an auditory hallucination but I thought it was a choir of angels coming from heaven with the Prince of Peace in a chariot. I thought the skies were going to part open as God came down to judge the living and the dead. I found myself in peace. I lay there for a while waiting for God to take my hand and carry me up to heaven with Him. But suddenly, it all got so louder. I heard cars, people, and a noisy city. Couldn’t they just stop their lives and watch in awe as the Lord came down? I got so angry with them. I began screaming and I started tearing off my clothes.

“The world is ending, people! The world is ending!” I yelled. “Get down on your knees and pray! This is what will save you!”

By now, there was a crowd gathered around the car; people were just staring at me. “You evil people! Stop staring at me! God will destroy all of you!” I screamed at them.

There were three police cars around me but I thought Satan had sent them. They weren’t really police officers, they were demons. They knocked on the door and asked me to come out, but I locked it and wouldn’t let them in because I knew that they’d destroy me.

I kept screaming, “He’ll destroy all of you unless you repent! Stop looking at me, you wicked people! Get down on your knees. God can save you. Why are you all wearing clothes? We should all be naked as Adam and Eve were naked before they discovered sin.” I tore off my blouse. “I am the chosen one! God has chosen me to save you. I can lead you to heaven,” I screamed. They were all looking at me.

When I came back to reality, I was in handcuffs. The police officers had used a slim jim to open the door. They were about to toss me in the back seat of the police car. I looked down and noticed that I had torn my blouse and my breast was revealed. I asked the police officer if I could cover myself. He unlocked the handcuffs and I covered my chest. I put my hands behind me and let him handcuff me again. I then looked around and saw the entire parking lot full of people looking at me. I was humiliated. This was the city in which I grew up and they were all watching. I heard the police officer say, “She’s a regular.” I felt so ashamed. So this is what I’d become: a regular at the county mental facility?

I overheard Jacob talking to the other police officer, “Yeah, it’s a shame. She’s an honors student.” I was crying in the back seat of the police vehicle, thinking, “So what? You’re giving up on me? What a misfortune that I went crazy after high school. Now, I’m just labeled as a regular, and psychotic bipolar girl.”

As I lay uncomfortably in the back seat of the police vehicle, tears raced down my cheeks and I could feel my black mascara flowing down my face. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. I’d gone madly insane and now a parking lot full of people witnessed it. I’m crazy, crazy, oh so crazy.