Mental Health Inspiration

  Empowering vs. Crippling With everything happening in our political world—and the recent government shutdown—I felt inspired to share my story. Life often comes down to one choice: sink or swim. I’ve been there. I’ve seen every diagnosis imaginable in my medical records—bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, schizoaffective disorder. For years, people crippled me with their labels. They treated me like I was my disability, and for a long time, I used that as a crutch. When people treat you like a disability, you start to believe it. Even my own mother once told me I was too mentally ill to go to college. It broke me—but it didn’t stop me. The only people who believed in me were my high school teachers and college professors, and I give them full credit for seeing my potential. At my lowest, I applied for SSI and Section 8. But let me tell you—being denied was one of the greatest blessings of my life. That moment pushed me to choose empowerment over victimhood, ambition over p...

“I knew I needed to slow down on life but I couldn’t. I tried to tough it out that I was physically sick. I’ve always been nurturing like my mom, listening to people, feeding people. People hear what I’m saying but don’t seem to listen. I was so busy taking care of everyone else, I was neglecting me. I would come home from work and by husband would hand me the ground turkey to make the meatloaf. I didn’t even get a chance to sit down and rest. I made meatloaf every other day. I cleaned and went to work talked to family and friends and didn’t focus that my body was trying to tell me something. Mari, you’re not well!” I got sick after eating undercooked meat at work one night. I’m a waitress. Something told me not to eat it because it was pink but I dug in and ate the whole thing. Minutes later I was running to the bathroom with diarrhea. I know TMI. Days later vomiting everyday. Every morning. My co-workers teased me that I was pregnant and there was a time I was convinced I was pregnan...

 In high school nobody new I was battling depression. They may have seen a pretty red headed girl full of school spirit. Yes maybe you can say I was popular but inside I was dying.When I was voted prom Queen I remember that night so vividly, everyone kept telling me I looked like Rose from the movie Titanic with my red hair and my dress I had especially made to replicate the dress Kate Winslet wore. I remember when they announced “and your 1998 prom Queen is -drumroll-Maricela Estrada. I felt like a star with all the cameras, flashes, and glitter and gold. At the end of the night I sat in the bottom of the staircase with my head hanging down, a girl walked up and asked me “how does it feel to be prom Queen?” I shrugged my shoulders and kept looking down at the ground. The girl walked away. Finally, on my prom night, Somebody saw the real me. Somebody saw my deep depression. I had tried to hide it through high school. There were moments when I had crying spells in class. I wish my t...

When I’m caught in the cycle of depression, motivation is low. I am caught in the cycle of depression, don’t want to shower, comb my hair, exercise. I don’t want to clean my condo. Getting out of bed is a battle, everyday is a battle. When will this cycle end? People who don’t struggle with mental illness will never know what it is like. They will just make fun of me and judge me.  Depression, bipolar disorder, schizoaffective-mental ilness is misunderstood. The people who have never walked in our shoes will be the first to judge. That is until it effects one of their family members. When I’m depressed in one of my lows Even  taking a shower and maintaining hygiene can be a battle. Living an breathing is painful. Suicide always crosses my mind. My psychiatrist calls it passive suicidal ideation.I feel like I’m falling apart. I was come to a point where I can not do anything for myself.  I actually need shower reminders from my husband and friends. It is sad it’s like seri...

 I honestly thought everything would be okay planning a baby at age 41 and diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. I called the prayer line. I prayed with my husband I started a Prayer journal for the baby. I guess you can say I was hoping for a miracle and I believed all things were possible with God. My psychiatrist tried to slowly get me off the medication and previously I had lost 22 lbs on a healthy vegan diet, my labs were finally good. I started pregnancy yoga and I wasn’t even pregnant I wanted a stress free environment for the baby. I practiced Bible verse meditation for a healthy pregnancy and I felt happy and glowing but then one month later after my medications were reduced to almost nothing came the crash, psychosis, irritability, anger outbursts, mood swings, depression, suicidal ideation, and self-harm behavior. My husband and I were constantly fighting and I knew that was no way to raise a child and I had to face the reality, I had to get back on the medication and...

 My husband and I as Christians have always been compassionate to the homeless population. We always give to the homeless, buy them food and give them money and resources. There was one homeless lady my husband had compassionate for and touched his heart. He prayed with her and bought her Taco Bell and tried to find a shelter for her with no luck. He ended up building her a little tent and we gave her water and blankets and a pillow  that night. The following morning we worked harder on finding her a shelter with no luck. We took her to Starbucks for breakfast and after hours of trying to find a shelter I decided to buy her a tent and take her to downtown LA. I bought the tent at Target and the Christian retail clerk was very kind. I let her know I was buying a tent for a homeless woman and she thanked me for my kindness. She told me to take the homeless woman to the Mission shelter and told me God bless you. My husband and I drove her to the Misson shelter and I gave her some...

Bipolar Disorder with Psychotic Features and Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar Type: Coping Skills for psychosis My diagnosis for ten years was Bipolar Disorder with Psychotic Features. Once I started working full time and got private insurance Kaiser evaluated by and chased my diagnosis to Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar Type. I remember telling my psychiatrist “Oh my God! That sounds worse! And I wrote a book titled Bipolar Girl: My Psychotic Self. I can’t change the name now. Should it be Schizoaffective Girl:My Psychotic Self? That does not flow as good.” She said treatment would remain the same. The difference between Bipolar Disorder with Psychotic Features and Schizoaffective, Type is that with Bipolar Disorder with Psychotic Features you only get psychosis when you are manic. With Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar Type the psychosis is the primary part of the mental illness and the mood disorder comes secondary. Some people believe schizoaffective disorder is a comb...

My mom looked deep into my eyes. I thought she was admiring me because I thought I was a prophet. I was certain that I was the chosen one and now I was going to meet Pope Francis. We were sitting at mass together at Our Lady of the Miraculous Medal Church. I was the chosen one and my special connection with God would make it possible for my mother to meet Pope Francis. Wow! My mom would be so proud of me. My mom would be so honored that she was the mother of the chosen one. When it was time for communion, my mom softly touched my hand and looked at me with her big brown eyes. I thought, Wow, my mom is in awe that she is the mother of a prophet. My mom was pure and innocent like the Virgin Mary. When mass was over, I walked up to the portrait of the Virgin of Guadalupe. I always stared at the portrait, and many times, the Virgin of Guadalupe smiled at me, but there were other times when her tongue stuck out, and she turned into the devil. Today, however, our blessed mother was smiling ...

                It is clinically evident that I had so much anxiety, depression, mood swings, and psychosis and that caused functional impairments. I was not even able to maintain my activities of daily living. Even taking a shower was a challenge so bad that I needed reminders from my husband. You can forget about putting on make up and when I walk my dog, Gypsy Blue, I sometimes don’t even put a brush through my hair. You should see me teleworking I really do look like a cave woman, barefoot, messy hair, mismatched clothes and yoga pants.             Finally, I knew I so desperately needed a makeover. I called my friend Silvia Monroe Baez, HairColorist . Silvia is absolutely beautiful ebony-black hair, red lips, and porcelain skin. She always looks stunning and presentable. I knew needed to be more like her and she was the right person to call.   ...

  I live in a condo gated community and in my complex there are lakes and ducks, waterfalls, exotic looking birds. It is so peaceful but what happens when you hear a woman crying in the lake by your balcony and you go outside and there is nobody there. I know they are voices, auditory hallucinations triggered by stress. It makes it worse that I live next door to Rose Hills the cemetery. It gets creepy. I walk my dog and see illusions, I say to myself oh let me greet that little old lady and then suddenly she turns in a tall plant. I am really starting to fear that plant outside my door and wonder why the plant always turns in to a hunched old lady. I look to my kitchen at my barstools and see people eating on them but there is nobody really there. This pandemic has got me paranoid and stressed. My job is also stressful and making it worse. I can’t take this stress that is about to explode like a volcano. I just want to scream. There is a pandemic in the world but what happe...

  Mother’s Day 5/10/2020   It was Mother Day 2020 when my 70 -year- old mother with a heart condition was placed on oxygen weak and dying of COVID-19. She had surgery previously due to her heart condition. She got COVID-19 from my brother and although he was recovering and getting healthy, We feared the unimaginable for our widowed mother. She is the most amazing nurturing and wonderful mother I could ever ask God and I couldn’t believe this was happening. We prayed. Oh we prayed. We had prayer coming across the globe, family in Mexico praying the rosary and Spanish Catholic novenas and family and friends all around the world. My husband and I humbly got on our knees and asked God   to heal my mother and may the “stripes of Jesus” heal her.   Suddenly a miracle, my mother improved and was released on Mother Day. I was still very nervous I would lose her, seeing how weak she was. When she got out the hospital she could barely talk but and she slowly took some brea...

Have you every heard the term “take time to smell the roses?” That is mindfulness. Our minds race, our minds are busy, depressed, anxious, suicidal at times, psychotic but sometimes we need to take a moment to breathe, mindfully breathe and just simple be present in the moment. Put a pause on life. Hit the breaks and say”hey, this moment is for me and only me.” I practice mindfulness daily. Mindfulness pretty much means being present in the moment but there is much more than that. For example mindful petting my emotional support dog. I breathe deeply close my eyes, play meditation music/yoga music and just pet him. I enjoy how the moment. I feel the moment and how much I love my dog. I practice mindfulness in the morning when I drink my coffee. Even as I pour the cream and mix the stevia I mindfully enjoy the moment before a busy day. I put a pause on my racing mind and all the things I have to do and say “hey this time is for Mari.” Right now I’m just going to sip and savor my cup of ...

When my husband told me he wanted have a baby a little “goo goo,” I finally felt like maybe at this time it may be a beautiful and humbling experience. My mom is sick. My mom is my world and if something happens to her I will lose my mind. My family is very united and we have these big reunions and celebrations, birthdays and holidays at the Estrada’s is truly beautiful. Where will I go for thanksgiving or Christmas. My mom holds our family together. Planning this baby is what is giving me hope while my mom is sick.  I just turned 40 on April 20, 2020.  I’m diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type. I take a lot of medication but my psychiatrist has always instilled hope and told me that she believes I can do it and she would take me off work one year. She told me she would want me to focus on pregnancy yoga and being stress free. I’m courageous in many ways but I’m terrified of pregnancy. I’ve never had the courage until now. I have the best psychiatrist. She is ...

I realized how much I suffered after getting off my morning dosage  of medication. I just hated being so sedated at work but I learned my lesson. I rather be sedated than psychotic. The auditory hallucinations are a nightmare. However, hope was never lost. I reached out for help. While at the emergency room, the doctor added a low dosage or Seroquel. Wow now I'm on 3 anti-psychotic medications. Yup you got! Yes I am that psychotic lol. I'm also on Saphris and Geodon. Max dosages. Finally, my book signing was last Saturday Aug.25th, 2018. Thank God I felt stable, happy, healthy. Yes, I will be honest I had to pop an Ativan for anxiety 15 minutes before my book reading and I felt I did great. The book signing was a success and I was able to build public awareness, decrease stigma, and build hope in my community. The most memorable part of the entire event was that my mother attended. My mom has never attended my book signings and it was a huge honor to have my beloved mommy ther...

The voices and intrusive thoughts torment me. God, please make it end. I can't focus on a simple conversation without hearing voices and responding to internal stimuli. It's not that I talk to myself but I feel I makes faces and look distracted. I look away. I look up, down, to right, to the left. I can't look at the person. Looking at them will destroy me. I have really bad vision without contacts. It is all a big blur. Every day for the last three weeks I have been wearing my glasses. I take them off when I talk to people so I can't see them. Then the voices are not so bad. Other times, I get a rush of paranoid ideation. My mind and thoughts are racing. I can't focus at work and I want to run. For those of you who don't know, I'm a Medical Case Worker for the LA County Dept. of Mental Health. I may appear to look normal but inside my mind in screaming and crying, going madly insane. Many times I want to give up. I want to go an early retirement disabili...

It was everything. Everything came crashing down. I have to deal with this high risk for cervical cancer complexities for the last 14 years now fearing it will turn into cancer. I have a painful surgical procedure without anesthesia due to the fact that if the doctor used it I would have to get off my psych meds for three weeks. They did not want to risk it so I took the pain screaming and crying, praying to God for mercy. This was Jan. 2018. After that I had post-operational complications heavy bleeding and I couldn't even walk my emotional support dog. It was a nightmare. This triggered deep dark suicidal depression. My psychiatrist put me on medical leave for the first time in my 8 year career as a Medical Case Worker for the Dept. of Mental Health. We are in July 2018and I'm still a psychotic mess. When I returned back to work I felt heavily medicated. I couldn't get to work on time and I start at 9:30a.m. I felt heavily sedated the first two hours. I decided to get of...

My diagnosis for ten years was Bipolar Disorder with Psychotic Features. Once I started working full time and got private insurance Kaiser evaluated by and changed my diagnosis to Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar Type. I remember telling my psychiatrist “Oh my God! That sounds worse! And I wrote a book titled Bipolar Girl: My Psychotic Self. I can’t change the name now. Should it be Schizoaffective Girl:My Psychotic Self? That does not flow as good.” She said treatment would remain the same. The difference between Bipolar Disorder with Psychotic Features and Schizoaffective, Type is that with Bipolar Disorder with Psychotic Features you only get psychosis when you are manic. With Schizoaffective Disorder, Bipolar Type the psychosis is the primary part of the mental illness and the mood disorder comes secondary. Some people believe schizoaffective disorder is a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. My psychosis can be very challenging to cope with. I hear scary ...

  Losing my mind was a slow process until one day it took over rapidly. My family became worried. I slipped into a psychotic episode. I would hallucinate and see shadows and demons. I began to combat the evil with prayer and the Bible. I became hyper-religious. I told my family that the devil was after me and that I was a prophet. I told them that the devil was in the house. My family is from a small ranch in Mexico. Through their traditions and culture they believed that maybe my mental illness was something spiritual or supernatural. My mother, years later told me that she did not know what to do or what was happening. All she knew was that she was desperate to help me. One day my mother and sister-in-law, Sophie, told me that we had to take a special trip. I didn’t know where we were going and I was too delusional to understand. They took me to a house with a small back house. I went into a room and saw a heavy man sitting down. He asked me to come in and have a seat. I sa...

My mom always told me that she suff ered more than I did because I’m her child, and it hurt her to see me suff er. I always wondered how she could say that. She wasn’t the one locked up in mental hospitals on birthdays and holidays, or the one who felt life was so horrible that death seemed like the only solution. You were not the victim—I was. What I didn’t know was that when a family member has a mental illness, everyone was the victim. But, over the years, I became a survivor and was no longer a victim. I transformed my “woe is me” perspective and triumphed over my mental illness. I said good-bye to being isolated and withdrawn and feeling sorry for myself. I became resilient and strong. Victims can grow as people through obstacles and learn from life experiences. Th ey can see painful moments as opportunities to grow and shine, and they can love life as much as I do now. First, victims need to seek help. Victims can embrace the beauty of life. I believe even painful moments in our...